A Strange Process

I am like, really horribly mad right now. I feel twitchy, like I'm having issues containing it. So, I thought writing about it might help.

Honestly, I rarely get mad at people, I find it easier to let things pass over me. That is not to say that I won't speak up for myself or that I will allow people to yell at me without a reply, but it takes so much energy to be angry that it's often easier to let things go.

In this case, I'm having a lot of trouble doing the letting go thing.

I've mentioned my roommates before, but I can't remember if I've mentioned that I've been friends with the both of them all through college. One of them I've known since I started, the other is in my major and lived with me sophomore year and we've become close friends since.

However, as much as I love the both of them, the one who is also studying archaeology with me is really a gigantic pain to live with.

Her family is probably pretty rich for my standards, and certainly more well off in this economy than mine at the moment. I have no judgment on this aside from the fact that she is seemingly blind to the fact that other people are not funded continuously by their parents (not because their parents wouldn't like to, but because they just can't afford to do so--and it would make it a lot harder to grow up and move into the real world and have to survive on your own two feet). I say this because: she leaves a mess EVERYWHERE.

This is an issue:

1. We live in an apartment. When stuff gets wrecked, we get charged, so when she leaves tea mugs with tea on the counters or coffee, and it stains, we probably get charged for that. Problem for her, no, because her parents will pay for it, problem for my other roommate and myself, yes.

2. We're not sharing food (I've lived with her before and I ended up buying way more groceries than her, this is not happening again). However, we are sharing plates. Problem: she borrows dishes but doesn't take care of them. Example: I bought a new set of plates and matching mugs, I can only find three mugs. My other roommate doesn't have one, and this roommate said she had one and brought it down, but that still leaves one missing mug. I do not have it, I rarely get to use them. Prediction: she will find it filled with mold and stained beyond salvation somewhere in the pit of stuff she calls a room, I will throw it away, and it will be a waste of good dishes I WILL STILL USE. (This has just happened, hence the extreme anger)

3. She just doesn't clean. I don't know if she doesn't know how to, or if she just doesn't understand what happens if you don't. My other roommate and I have basically resigned ourselves to doing all of it. I don't really care about this, if I want a clean apartment I'll do it.

I am honest to God really mad about the mug though. They are literally two months old. In those two months, I think I've been able to use them three times, because she takes them otherwise. I also bought eight drinking glasses, I get to use those maybe every three days, if I'm lucky, because she grabs a new one every time she forgets about the old one, so they sit around our table full of various amounts of water for days.

I really just want to ask her: "How much money do you think I have? My money is mine, it is not my parents account, I can't just buy whatever I want or replacement dishes whenever I need because you don't respect my stuff enough to take care of it. Not everyone is as fortunate as you, and you need to wake up and realize that before you piss off people who don't like you as a friend and don't want to offend you. Honestly though, if you borrow my shit, and don't clean it up, then you are not only saying you don't care about my stuff but that you don't respect me enough to REMEMBER to take care of it. It's not my job to be YOUR parent. GROW UP!"

Anyway, I feel mildly better. So, I'm going to go make a salad in silence and ignore my roommate for a while.

I apologize for another rant. (Also, this may happen a lot).

I know it's been a while since I've written anything, which is particularly bad considering the only thing I've written so far is a very brief introduction. I am going to try to keep this more regularly updated, even if no one reads it but myself. I kind of hope few people do, because a lot of this is probably going to sound like complaining, which I never like to do too much of if I can help it. However, if I can't complain in my own journal, then where can I?

Seeing as it is 4:05 in the morning where I am, and I have work tomorrow, this will probably be a pretty short post.

Lately I have been feeling a little like an alien among my own people (college students). I'm in my last year as an undergrad, a girl, and I've been feeling lately that my roommates and others around me have suddenly gone relationship crazy as if they will all die lonely spinsters if they don't date in their last year of undergrad. This isn't necessarily how they actually feel, but it's how I feel around them, because I just don't get it at all.

I've always had a very clear idea of the big steps I want to take in life, and dating has always seemed to me to be one of those small steps that can fit anywhere, and might actually be better suited to being put off until later. I have a tendency to put a great deal of myself into relationships, I can't not. When I date people, it's because I'm willing and want to make the time to devote my full attention to it, because it just doesn't seem fair otherwise. Coincidentally, I haven't actually dated much.

It's quite frustrating when I tell people this, because I frequently get looks of pity, as if I'm saying this because I can't find someone to date. This is, in fact, not true. I have sincerely spent most of my life deciding it would be unfair to date someone right now because I have too many other things to focus on; it has nothing to do with if I can find someone or not.

This is why I've been feeling a little like an alien lately. One of my roommates is entering into a new relationship with another friend of mine, and I'm glad. I like both of them a great deal, and they seem good together so far. I wish them well.

My other roommate and friend has a crush on another mutual friend. The difficulty here is that she doesn't know how he feels but doesn't want to ask and find out. Perhaps I'm just bull-headed, but I've never really hesitated in asking people such questions. People are people, crushes included. Anyway, she really wants to be in a relationship, but because she's finding it so frustrating at the moment, she occasionally asks me how I can go through life without crushing on someone (apparently she always has someone).

The thing is, she's not asking in a mean way or anything. In fact, I think she wants to know because she's kind of envious, because I have one less thing to stress about. It still bothers me a bit though, because either way it further sets me apart.

Also, both my friends in college and my friends from middle school (who I am fortunate to still be friends with) have a tendency to ask me relationship advice, despite the fact they have more experience than I do anyway. I help as much as I can, because as I said above people are people and I don't think it should be so hard (though I will admit that could be just because I haven't really had to deal with it yet). However, most of my advice gets ignored anyway, or someone tells me that I'll understand better when I'm finally in a relationship, like I'm five and will "understand when I'm older."

It's unbelievably frustrating, because I get it, I do, and the few relationships I've had have all ended rather well, with us deciding that we make better friends.

For this point in my life right now, that's enough. I'd rather have friends, right now, because friendships have so many amazing benefits.

I guess I just wish that when I say all this one of my friends will understand, instead of looking at me in confusion or pity or dismissal or asking me "how?" as if it's some magic trick I've done instead of a matter of different priorities. :/